Understanding
by Mac1
Summary: Musings on a lonely night


Archive: Grave Shift CSI. Anywhere else, please ask.  
  
Disclaimer: The characters of CSI belong to Jerry Bruckheimer, Anthony Zuieker, CBS, et al. The story itself is mine and no profit is made upon it's posting.  
  
Author's Note: Threads in several different groups that I participate in inspired parts of this story. I leave it up to you to decide the character that this comes from.  
  
**Understanding**  
  
The cold liquid flowed into the crystal tumbler, the amber color refracting light with golden highlights. I'm not one to drink often, but every once in awhile I make an exception. There are times that I feel as though I am on an impossible quest- understanding another person. I do one thing and all is fine, I do the same thing again and it's suddenly wrong. I don't know where to turn.  
  
Okay, that's a lie. I know where to turn and it isn't a place; it's a who. Where better to take a question than the person that inspired the question, right? But that in itself is the problem. If I ask, I appear as though I don't know what's going on; but if I don't, I am left to ponder the question in my lonesome. It's a no win situation, and I hate those.  
  
Everything has an answer. One plus one is two, two times three is six, the answer to "life, the universe, and everything" is forty-two. I am paid to solve conundrums presented by human nature. Human nature in itself is a very confusing thing; even we humans cannot understand it. One philosopher says that it is human nature to be good and another says that by nature we are violent and evil. Who is right?  
  
And then we take it to a completely different level with the addition of relationships. I looked up the word a while back to refresh the actual meaning in my mind. According to Mr. Webster, the root word for relationship has seven meanings. Of the seven, two have something to do directly with people. The first is a connection by kinship or marriage; the second is an association or involvement between people, nations, etc.  
  
It seems as though we as a society have forgotten what it is to have a relationship with someone without it having to be sexual. To have something that is called love and yet isn't romantic seems to be almost unheard of; at least that's what the media seems to say. Simple actions now have ulterior motives when perceived by those that are not among the players.  
  
But those motives mean nothing when the moments are forgotten. We have such a limited time to spend in life and it is wasted, like a pawn move that has no purpose but to spend a bit of time.  
  
Life's but a walking shadow; a poor player,  
That struts and frets his hour upon a stage,  
And then is heard no more: it is a tale  
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,  
Signifying nothing.  
  
Perhaps Macbeth was right in a way. Someday we will no longer be heard. I have often viewed myself as an interpreter, but in the end, years after I have gone, everything I do or say falls away into nothingness. The future will forget my accomplishments. What I do now will become part of a bygone age of antiquated techniques and philosophies.  
  
But the future will be what it may and the past cannot be rewritten. All that truly matters is now, the present. Every moment, every sound, every move, even, is part of a greater picture: a mural that is never ending. There are moments when I forget what is important; times when all I can see is the pain and suffering and the blood.  
  
And that brings me back to human nature and relationships. It's a cycle with no beginning and no end. I don't know if it can be broken. I do know we cannot protect our loved ones from it. I've seen attempts at it, I've even tried to do so myself and have failed miserably.  
  
Another aspect of human nature is the need to connect with someone. Not something, not some time, but to another human. That's how communities are formed. There are some that believe that the need for connection is over rated- not for us. Heaven knows I've thought that on many occasions and on some, I've tried to withdraw.  
  
Once I almost succeeded. I was on the edge, ready to take the plunge and fight my demons alone. And then it happened. A voice reached out to me, eyes recalling me to participate; reminding me that I can fight as hard as I want against an ingrained sense and need to belong, but ultimately I will fail.  
  
As I look at my past, all I see are failures; times when I knew the correct choice to make, but decided to go my own way. My life is a road highlighted by only a few bright spots with a great deal of darkness and confusion in the middle. As I look forward to what remains I see nothing. I stand at the edge of eternity and long to see the world. As I look out, the words of my mother come back to me. "The first step to understanding others is understanding you."  
  
I drain the glass I have been holding and look into the eyes that I know so well. I smile as I set the glass down. "Hello." 


End file.
